I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
