i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
