Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
