Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
