i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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