I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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