I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
