in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
