Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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