Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
