Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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