what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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