I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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