Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
