his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
