if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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