A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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