guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
