Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
