I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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