i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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