those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i think i just lost a toe
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
