By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
