you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
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he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
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It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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