Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
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And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
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He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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