omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
