she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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