can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
