True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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