I queefed so loud it echoed.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
