Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
cat food counts as protein by the way
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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