I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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