seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
