tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
whose ass print is on the piano?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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