i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
