My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
