Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
