dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
