Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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