I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
