You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
