I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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