They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
