Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Help. Why am I so naked?
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