That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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