Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She's the barista slut.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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