Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
