She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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