I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
