she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My liver just broke up with me...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
