where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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