Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
