he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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