i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
