My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
