Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
