Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
