Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
