She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
