i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can text with my tongue
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
